hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
