Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
