Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
