i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
