What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
