Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
