We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
