OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
