Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
