I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
