Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
3pm strippers are depressing
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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