At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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