did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
