So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
