I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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