high people should be assigned attendants
people are starting to question the shark bite story
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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