i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
