my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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