So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
