my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
