I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So many bounce houses so little time
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
