She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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