so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I fill condoms, not promises.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
