he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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