Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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