Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
