Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
