I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
