If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
