my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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