Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
