I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
