i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm getting married
To pizza
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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