I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
