I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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