Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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