My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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