I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
