I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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