I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
