I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
