all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
