She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
