Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The beer is more important than you right now.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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