AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
