I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
