I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
