Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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