apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I didn't notice because vodka
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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