I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
