We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
