ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
