At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
