I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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