Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
