Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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